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Part 2 Chapter 37
The information thus gained was a relief, but only partially so. For both Clyde and Roberta there was no realrelief now until this problem should be definitely solved. And although within a few moments after he hadobtained it, he appeared and explained that at last he had secured the name of some one who might help her, stillthere was yet the serious business of heartening her for the task of seeing the doctor alone, also for the story thatwas to exculpate him and at the same time win for her sufficient sympathy to cause the doctor to make the chargefor his service merely nominal.
But now, instead of protesting as at first he feared that she might, Roberta was moved to acquiesce. So manythings in Clyde's attitude since Christmas had so shocked her that she was bewildered and without a plan otherthan to extricate herself as best she might without any scandal attaching to her or him and then going her ownway--pathetic and abrasive though it might be. For since he did not appear to care for her any more and plainlydesired to be rid of her, she was in no mood to compel him to do other than he wished. Let him go. She couldmake her own way. She had, and she could too, without him, if only she could get out of this. Yet, as she saidthis to herself, however, and a sense of the full significance of it all came to her, the happy days that would neverbe again, she put her hands to her eyes and brushed away uncontrollable tears. To think that all that was shouldcome to this.
Yet when he called the same evening after visiting Short, his manner redolent of a fairly worth-whileachievement, she merely said, after listening to his explanation in as receptive a manner as she could: "Do youknow just where this is, Clyde? Can we get there on the car without much trouble, or will we have to walk a longway?" And after he had explained that it was but a little way out of Gloversville, in the suburbs really, aninterurban stop being but a quarter of a mile from the house, she had added: "Is he home at night, or will we haveto go in the daytime? It would be so much better if we could go at night. There'd be so much less danger of anyone seeing us." And being assured that he was, as Clyde had learned from Short, she went on: "But do you knowis he old or young? I'd feel so much easier and safer if he were old. I don't like young doctors. We've always hadan old doctor up home and I feel so much easier talking to some one like him."Clyde did not know. He had not thought to inquire, but to reassure her he ventured that he was middle-aged-whichchanced to be the fact.
The following evening the two of them departed, but separately as usual, for Fonda, where it was necessary to change cars. And once within the approximate precincts of the physician's residence, they stepped down andmade their way along a road, which in this mid-state winter weather was still covered with old and dry-packedsnow. It offered a comparatively smooth floor for their quick steps. For in these days, there was no longer thatlingering intimacy which formerly would have characterized both. In those other and so recent days, as Robertawas constantly thinking, he would have been only too glad in such a place as this, if not on such an occasion, todrag his steps, put an arm about her waist, and talk about nothing at all--the night, the work at the factory, Mr.
Liggett, his uncle, the current movies, some place they were planning to go, something they would love to dotogether if they could. But now . . . And on this particular occasion, when most of all, and if ever, she needed thefull strength of his devotion and support! Yet now, as she could see, he was most nervously concerned as towhether, going alone in this way, she was going to get scared and "back out"; whether she was going to think tosay the right thing at the right time and convince the doctor that he must do something for her, and for a nominalfee.
"Well, Bert, how about you? All right? You're not going to get cold feet now, are you? Gee, I hope not becausethis is going to be a good chance to get this thing done and over with. And it isn't like you were going to someone who hadn't done anything like this before, you know, because this fellow has. I got that straight. All youhave to do now, is to say, well, you know, that you're in trouble, see, and that you don't know how you're goingto get out of it unless he'll help you in some way, because you haven't any friends here you can go to. Andbesides, as things are, you couldn't go to 'em if you wanted to. They'd tell on you, see. Then if he asks where Iam or who I am, you just say that I was a fellow here--but that I've gone--give any name you want to, but thatI've gone, and you don't know where I've gone to--run away, see. Then you'd better say, too, that you wouldn'thave come to him only that you heard of another case in which he helped some one else--that a girl told you, see.
Only you don't want to let on that you're paid much, I mean,--because if you do he may want to make the billmore than I can pay, see, unless he'll give us a few months in which to do it, or something like that, you see."Clyde was so nervous and so full of the necessity of charging Roberta with sufficient energy and courage to gothrough with this and succeed, now that he had brought her this far along with it, that he scarcely realized howinadequate and trivial, even, in so far as her predicament and the doctor's mood and temperament wereconcerned, his various instructions and bits of inexperienced advice were. And she on her part was not onlythinking how easy it was for him to stand back and make suggestions, while she was confronted with thenecessity of going forward, and that alone, but also that he was really thinking more of himself than he was ofher--some way to make her get herself out of it inexpensively and without any real trouble to him.
At the same time, even here and now, in spite of all this, she was still decidedly drawn to him--his white face, histhin hands, nervous manner. And although she knew he talked to encourage her to do what he had not thecourage or skill to do himself, she was not angry. Rather, she was merely saying to herself in this crisis thatalthough he advised so freely she was not going to pay attention to him--much. What she was going to say wasnot that she was deserted, for that seemed too much of a disagreeable and self-incriminating remark for her tomake concerning herself, but rather that she was married and that she and her young husband were too poor tohave a baby as yet--the same story Clyde had told the druggist in Schenectady, as she recalled. For after all, whatdid he know about how she felt? And he was not going with her to make it easier for her.
Yet dominated by the purely feminine instinct to cling to some one for support, she now turned to Clyde, takinghold of his hands and standing quite still, wishing that he would hold and pet her and tell her that it was all right and that she must not be afraid. And although he no longer cared for her, now in the face of this involuntaryevidence of her former trust in him, he released both hands and putting his arms about her, the more to encourageher than anything else, observed: "Come on now, Bert. Gee, you can't act like this, you know. You don't want tolose your nerve now that we're here, do you? It won't be so hard once you get there. I know it won't. All you gotto do is to go up and ring the bell, see, and when he comes, or whoever comes, just say you want to see thedoctor alone, see. Then he'll understand it's something private and it'll be easier."He went on with more advice of the same kind, and she, realizing from his lack of spontaneous enthusiasm forher at this moment how desperate was her state, drew herself together as vigorously as she could, and saying:
"Well, wait here, then, will you? Don't go very far away, will you? I may be right back," hurried along in theshadow through the gate and up a walk which led to the front door.
In answer to her ring the door was opened by one of those exteriorly as well as mentally sober, small-townpractitioners who, Clyde's and Short's notion to the contrary notwithstanding, was the typical and fairlyconservative physician of the countryside--solemn, cautious, moral, semi-religious to a degree, holding someviews which he considered liberal and others which a fairly liberal person would have considered narrow andstubborn into the bargain. Yet because of the ignorance and stupidity of so many of those about him, he was ableto consider himself at least fairly learned. In constant touch with all phases of ignorance and dereliction as wellas sobriety, energy, conservatism, success and the like, he was more inclined, where fact appeared to nullify hisearly conclusion in regard to many things, to suspend judgment between the alleged claims of heaven and helland leave it there suspended and undisturbed. Physically he was short, stocky, bullet-headed and yetinterestingly-featured, with quick gray eyes and a pleasant mouth and smile. His short iron-gray hair was worn"bangs" fashion, a bit of rural vanity. And his arms and hands, the latter fat and pudgy, yet sensitive, hung limplyat his sides. He was fifty-eight, married, the father of three children, one of them a son already studying medicinein order to succeed to his father's practice.
After showing Roberta into a littered and commonplace waiting room and asking her to remain until he hadfinished his dinner, he presently appeared in the door of an equally commonplace inner room, or office, wherewere his desk, two chairs, some medical instruments, books and apparently an ante-chamber containing othermedical things, and motioned her to a chair. And because of his grayness, solidity, stolidity, as well as an oddhabit he had of blinking his eyes, Roberta was not a little overawed, though by no means so unfavorablyimpressed as she had feared she might be. At least he was old and he seemed intelligent and conservative, if notexactly sympathetic or warm in his manner. And after looking at her curiously a moment, as though seeking torecognize some one of the immediate vicinity, he began: "Well, now who is this, please? And what can I do foryou?" His voice was low and quite reassuring--a fact for which Roberta was deeply grateful.
At the same time, startled by the fact that at last she had reached the place and the moment when, if ever, shemust say the degrading truth about herself, she merely sat there, her eyes first upon him, then upon the floor, herfingers beginning to toy with the handle of the small bag she carried.
"You see, well," she began, earnestly and nervously, her whole manner suddenly betraying the terrific strainunder which she was laboring. "I came . . . I came . . . that is . . . I don't know whether I can tell you about myselfor not. I thought I could just before I came in, but now that I am here and I see you . . ." She paused and movedback in her chair as though to rise, at the same time that she added: "Oh, dear, how very dreadful it all is. I'm so nervous and . . .""Well, now, my dear," he resumed, pleasantly and reassuringly, impressed by her attractive and yet soberappearance and wondering for the moment what could have upset so clean, modest and sedate-looking a girl,and hence not a little amused by her "now that I see you,"--"Just what is there about me 'now that you see me,'"he repeated after her, "that so frightens you? I am only a country doctor, you know, and I hope I'm not asdreadful as you seem to think. You can be sure that you can tell me anything you wish--anything at all aboutyourself--and you needn't be afraid. If there's anything I can do for you, I'll do it."He was decidedly pleasant, as she now thought, and yet so sober and reserved and probably conventional withalthat what she was holding in mind to tell him would probably shock him not a little--and then what? Would hedo anything for her? And if he would, how was she to arrange about money, for that certainly would be a point inconnection with all this? If only Clyde or some one were here to speak for her. And yet she must speak now thatshe was here. She could not leave without. Once more she moved and twisted, seizing nervously on a largebutton of her coat to turn between her thumb and forefinger, and then went on chokingly.
"But this is . . . this is . . . well, something different, you know, maybe not what you think. . . . I . . . I . . .
well. . ."Again she paused, unable to proceed, shading from white to red and back as she spoke. And because of thetroubled modesty of her approach, as well as a certain clarity of eye, whiteness of forehead, sobriety of mannerand dress, the doctor could scarcely bring himself to think for a moment that this was anything other than one ofthose morbid exhibitions of innocence, or rather inexperience, in connection with everything relating to thehuman body--so characteristic of the young and unsophisticated in some instances. And so he was about torepeat his customary formula in such cases that all could be told to him without fear or hesitation, whatever itmight be, when a secondary thought, based on Roberta's charm and vigor, as well as her own thought wavesattacking his cerebral receptive centers, caused him to decide that he might be wrong. After all, why might notthis be another of those troublesome youthful cases in which possibly immorality and illegitimacy was involved.
She was so young, healthy and attractive, besides, they were always cropping up, these cases,--in connectionwith the most respectable-looking girls at times. And invariably they spelled trouble and distress for doctors.
And, for various reasons connected with his own temperament, which was retiring and recessive, as well as thenature of this local social world, he disliked and hesitated to even trifle with them. They were illegal, dangerous,involved little or no pay as a rule, and the sentiment of this local world was all against them as he knew. Besideshe personally was more or less irritated by these young scamps of boys and girls who were so free to exercise thenormal functions of their natures in the first instance, but so ready to refuse the social obligations which wentwith them--marriage afterwards. And so, although in several cases in the past ten years where family and otherneighborhood and religious considerations had made it seem quite advisable, he had assisted in extricating fromthe consequences of their folly several young girls of good family who had fallen from grace and could nototherwise be rescued, still he was opposed to aiding, either by his own countenance or skill, any lapses or tanglesnot heavily sponsored by others. It was too dangerous. Ordinarily it was his custom to advise immediate andunconditional marriage. Or, where that was not possible, the perpetrator of the infamy having decamped, it washis general and self-consciously sanctioned practice to have nothing at all to do with the matter. It was toodangerous and ethically and socially wrong and criminal into the bargain.
In consequence he now looked at Roberta in an extremely sober manner. By no means, he now said to himself,must he allow himself to become emotionally or otherwise involved here. And so in order to help himself as wellas her to attain and maintain a balance which would permit of both extricating themselves without too muchtrouble, he drew toward him his black leather case record book and, opening it, said: "Now, let's see if we can'tfind out what the trouble is here. What is your name?""Ruth Howard. Mrs. Howard," replied Roberta nervously and tensely, at once fixing upon a name which Clydehad suggested for her use. And now, interestingly enough, at mention of the fact that she was married, hebreathed easier. But why the tears then? What reason could a young married woman have for being so intenselyshy and nervous?
"And your husband's first name?" he went on.
As simple as the question was, and as easy as it should have been to answer, Roberta nevertheless hesitatedbefore she could bring herself to say: "Gifford," her older brother's name.
"You live around her, I presume?""In Fonda.""Yes. And how old are you?""Twenty-two.""How long have you been married?"This inquiry being so intimately connected with the problem before her, she again hesitated before saying, "Letme see--three months."At once Dr. Glenn became dubious again, though he gave her no sign. Her hesitancy arrested him. Why theuncertainty? He was wondering now again whether he was dealing with a truthful girl or whether his firstsuspicions were being substantiated. In consequence he now asked: "Well, now what seems to be the trouble,Mrs. Howard? You need have no hesitancy in telling me--none whatsoever. I am used to such things year in andout, whatever they are. That is my business, listening to the troubles of people.""Well," began Roberta, nervously once more, this terrible confession drying her throat and thickening her tonguealmost, while once more she turned the same button of her coat and gazed at the floor. "It's like this . . . You see .
. . my husband hasn't much money . . . and I have to work to help out with expenses and neither of us make sovery much." (She was astonishing herself with her own shameful power to lie in this instance--she, who hadalways hated to lie.) "So . . . of course . . . we can't afford to . . . to have . . . well, any . . . children, you see, sosoon, anyhow, and . . ."She paused, her breath catching, and really unable to proceed further with this wholesale lying.
The doctor realizing from this, as he thought, what the true problem was--that she was a newly-married girl whowas probably faced by just such a problem as she was attempting to outline--yet not wishing to enter upon anyform of malpractice and at the same time not wishing to appear too discouraging to a young couple just startingout in life, gazed at her somewhat more sympathetically, the decidedly unfortunate predicament of these youngpeople, as well as her appropriate modesty in the face of such a conventionally delicate situation, appealing tohim. It was too bad. Young people these days did have a rather hard time of it, getting started in some cases,anyhow. And they were no doubt faced by some pressing financial situations. Nearly all young people were.
Nevertheless, this business of a contraceptal operation or interference with the normal or God-arranged lifeprocesses, well, that was a ticklish and unnatural business at best which he wanted as little as possible to do with.
Besides, young, healthy people, even though poor, when they undertook marriage, knew what they were about.
And it was not impossible for them to work, the husband anyhow, and hence manage in some way.
And now straightening himself around in his chair very soberly and authoritatively, he began: "I think Iunderstand what you want to say to me, Mrs. Howard. But I'm also wondering if you have considered what avery serious and dangerous thing it is you have in mind. But," he added, suddenly, another thought as to whetherhis own reputation in this community was in any way being tarnished by rumor of anything he had done in thepast coming to him, "just how did you happen to come to me, anyhow?"Something about the tone of his voice, the manner in which he asked the question--the caution of it as well as thepossibly impending resentment in case it should turn out that any one suspected him of a practice of this sort-causedRoberta to hesitate and to feel that any statement to the effect that she had heard of or been sent by anyone else--Clyde to the contrary notwithstanding--might be dangerous. Perhaps she had better not say that she hadbeen sent by any one. He might resent it as an insult to his character as a reputable physician. A budding instinctfor diplomacy helped her in this instance, and she replied: "I've noticed your sign in passing several times andI've heard different people say you were a good doctor."His uncertainty allayed, he now continued: "In the first place, the thing you want done is something myconscience would not permit me to advise. I understand, of course, that you consider it necessary. You and yourhusband are both young and you probably haven't very much money to go on, and you both feel that aninterruption of this kind will be a great strain in every way. And no doubt it will be. Still, as I see it, marriage is avery sacred thing, and children are a blessing--not a curse. And when you went to the altar three months ago youwere probably not unaware that you might have to face just such a situation as this. All young married peopleare, I think." ("The altar," thought Roberta sadly. If only it were so.) "Now I know that the tendency of the day insome quarters is very much in this direction, I am sorry to say. There are those who feel it quite all right if theycan shirk the normal responsibilities in such cases as to perform these operations, but it's very dangerous, Mrs.
Howard, very dangerous legally and ethically as well as medically very wrong. Many women who seek to escapechildbirth die in this way. Besides it is a prison offense for any doctor to assist them, whether there are badconsequences or not. You know that, I suppose. At any rate, I, for one, am heartily opposed to this sort of thingfrom every point of view. The only excuse I have ever been able to see for it is when the life of the mother, forinstance, depends upon such an operation. Not otherwise. And in such cases the medical profession is in accord.
But in this instance I'm sure the situation isn't one which warrants anything like that. You seem to me to be astrong, healthy girl. Motherhood should hold no serious consequences for you. And as for money reasons, don'tyou really think now that if you just go ahead and have this baby, you and your husband would find means ofgetting along? You say your husband is an electrician?""Yes," replied Roberta, nervously, not a little overawed and subdued by his solemn moralizing.
"Well, now, there you are," he went on. "That's not such an unprofitable profession. At least all electricianscharge enough. And when you consider, as you must, how serious a thing you are thinking of doing, that you areactually planning to destroy a young life that has as good a right to its existence as you have to yours . . ." hepaused in order to let the substance of what he was saying sink in--"well, then, I think you might feel called uponto stop and consider--both you and your husband. Besides," he added, in a diplomatic and more fatherly and evenintriguing tone of voice, "I think that once you have it it will more than make up to you both for whatever littlehardship its coming will bring you. Tell me," he added curiously at this point, "does your husband know of this?
Or is this just some plan of yours to save him and yourself from too much hardship?" He almost beamedcheerfully as, fancying he had captured Roberta in some purely nervous and feminine economy as well as dread,he decided that if so he could easily extract her from her present mood. And she, sensing his present drift andfeeling that one lie more or less could neither help nor harm her, replied quickly: "He knows.""Well, then," he went on, slightly reduced by the fact that his surmise was incorrect, but none the less resolved todissuade her and him, too: "I think you two should really consider very seriously before you go further in thismatter. I know when young people first face a situation like this they always look on the darkest side of it, but itdoesn't always work out that way. I know my wife and I did with our first child. But we got along. And if youwill only stop now and talk it over, you'll see it in a different light, I'm sure. And then you won't have yourconscience to deal with afterwards, either." He ceased, feeling reasonably sure that he had dispelled the fear, aswell as the determination that had brought Roberta to him--that, being a sensible, ordinary wife, she would nowdesist of course--think nothing more of her plan and leave.
But instead of either acquiescing cheerfully or rising to go, as he thought she might, she gave him a wide-eyedterrified look and then as instantly burst into tears. For the total effect of his address had been to first revive moreclearly than ever the normal social or conventional aspect of the situation which all along she was attempting toshut out from her thoughts and which, under ordinary circumstances, assuming that she was really married, wasexactly the attitude she would have taken. But now the realization that her problem was not to be solved at all, bythis man at least, caused her to be seized with what might best be described as morbid panic.
Suddenly beginning to open and shut her fingers and at the same time beating her knees, while her face contorteditself with pain and terror, she exclaimed: "But you don't understand, doctor, you don't understand! I HAVE toget out of this in some way! I have to. It isn't like I told you at all. I'm not married. I haven't any husband at all.
But, oh, you don't know what this means to me. My family! My father! My mother! I can't tell you. But I mustget out of it. I must! I must! Oh, you don't know, you don't know! I must! I must!" She began to rock backwardand forward, at the same time swaying from side to side as in a trance.
And Glenn, surprised and startled by this sudden demonstration as well as emotionally affected, and yet at thesame time advised thereby that his original surmise had been correct, and hence that Roberta had been lying, aswell as that if he wished to keep himself out of this he must now assume a firm and even heartless attitude, askedsolemnly: "You are not married, you say?"For answer now Roberta merely shook her head negatively and continued to cry. And at last gathering the full import of her situation, Dr. Glenn got up, his face a study of troubled and yet conservative caution and sympathy.
But without saying anything at first he merely looked at her as she wept. Later he added: "Well, well, this is toobad. I'm sorry." But fearing to commit himself in any way, he merely paused, adding after a time soothingly anddubiously: "You mustn't cry. That won't help you any." He then paused again, still determined not to haveanything to do with this case. Yet a bit curious as to the true nature of the story he finally asked: "Well, thenwhere is the young man who is the cause of your trouble? Is he here?"Still too overcome by shame and despair to speak, Roberta merely shook her head negatively.
"But he knows that you're in trouble, doesn't he?""Yes," replied Roberta faintly.
"And he won't marry you?""He's gone away.""Oh, I see. The young scamp! And don't you know where he's gone?""No," lied Roberta, weakly.
"How long has it been since he left you?""About a week now." Once more she lied.
"And you don't know where he is?""No.""How long has it been since you were sick?""Over two weeks now," sobbed Roberta.
"And before that you have always been regular?""Yes.""Well, in the first place," his tone was more comfortable and pleasant than before--he seemed to be snatching at aplausible excuse for extricating himself from a case which promised little other than danger and difficulty, "thismay not be as serious as you think. I know you're probably very much frightened, but it's not unusual for womento miss a period. At any rate, without an examination it wouldn't be possible to be sure, and even if you were, themost advisable thing would be to wait another two weeks. You may find then that there is nothing wrong. Iwouldn't be surprised if you did. You seem to be oversensitive and nervous and that sometimes brings aboutdelays of this kind--mere nervousness. At any rate, if you'll take my advice, whatever you do, you'll not do anything now but just go home and wait until you're really sure. For even if anything were to be done, it wouldn'tbe advisable for you to do anything before then.""But I've already taken some pills and they haven't helped me," pleaded Roberta.
"What were they?" asked Glenn interestedly, and, after he had learned, merely commented: "Oh, those. Well,they wouldn't be likely to be of any real service to you, if you were pregnant. But I still suggest that you wait,and if you find you pass your second period, then it will be time enough to act, although I earnestly advise you,even then, to do nothing if you can help it, because I consider it wrong to interfere with nature in this way. Itwould be much better, if you would arrange to have the child and take care of it. Then you wouldn't have theadditional sin of destroying a life upon your conscience."He was very grave and felt very righteous as he said this. But Roberta, faced by terrors which he did not appearto be able to grasp, merely exclaimed, and as dramatically as before: "But I can't do that, doctor, I tell you! Ican't. I can't! You don't understand. Oh, I don't know what I shall do unless I find some way out of this. I don't! Idon't! I don't!"She shook her head and clenched her fingers and rocked to and fro while Glenn, impressed by her own terrors,the pity of the folly which, as he saw it, had led her to this dreadful pass, yet professionally alienated by a type ofcase that spelled nothing but difficulty for him stood determinedly before her and added: "As I told you before,Miss--" (he paused) "Howard, if that is your name, I am seriously opposed to operations of this kind, just as I amto the folly that brings girls and young men to the point where they seem to think they are necessary. A physicianmay not interfere in a case of this kind unless he is willing to spend ten years in prison, and I think that law is fairenough. Not that I don't realize how painful your present situation appears to you. But there are always thosewho are willing to help a girl in your state, providing she doesn't wish to do something which is morally andlegally wrong. And so the very best advice I can give you now is that you do nothing at all now or at any time.
Better go home and see your parents and confess. It will be much better--much better, I assure you. Not nearly ashard as you think or as wicked as this other way. Don't forget there is a life there--a human--if it is really as youthink. A human life which you are seeking to end and that I cannot help you to do. I really cannot. There may bedoctors--I know there are--men here and there who take their professional ethics a little less seriously than I do;but I cannot let myself become one of them. I am sorry--very.
"So now the best I can say is--go home to your parents and tell them. It may look hard now but you are going tofeel better about it in the long run. If it will make you or them feel any better about it, let them come and talk tome. I will try and make them see that this is not the worst thing in the world, either. But as for doing what youwant--I am very, very sorry, but I cannot. My conscience will not permit me."He paused and gazed at her sympathetically, yet with a determined and concluded look in his eye. And Roberta,dumbfounded by this sudden termination of all her hopes in connection with him and realizing at last that notonly had she been misled by Clyde's information in regard to this doctor, but that her technical as well asemotional plea had failed, now walked unsteadily to the door, the terrors of the future crowding thick upon her.
And once outside in the dark, after the doctor had most courteously and ruefully closed the door behind her, shepaused to lean against a tree that was there--her nervous and physical strength all but failing her. He had refusedto help her. He had refused to help her. And now what?
第三十七章
克莱德这样打听到的消息让人——仅仅是部分地——舒了一口气.如今对克莱德和罗伯达两人来说,在这个问题未获得最终解决以前,根本就说不上真正的如释重负.克莱德一打听到消息后,马上赶到罗伯达那儿,说他终于了解到也许能帮助她的医生的名字.不过眼前他另有更为重要的任务,就是:要鼓励她独自一人去见医生,并且要在医生面前说假话,完全为克莱德开脱,与此同时,还要赢得医生极大同情,因此到时候只向她收取极少一点费用.
本来克莱德一开头就担心罗伯达大概会反对,可是这一回她却马上默认了.自从圣诞节以来,就克莱德的态度来说,已有那么多的事情让她深为惊诧,致使她心乱如麻,束手无策,只好一心希望自己尽可能安然脱身,不使这一丑行连累她或是他,然后走她自己的路——尽管这也许是很悲惨、很痛苦的事.既然他好象再也不会疼爱她,显然想要甩掉她,那末,她也就完全不想硬逼他去做他所不愿做的事.让他走好了.她就是一个人也能活下去.是的,只要她能安然渡过了这个难关,那末,她即使没有他,也能照样活下去.不过,当她在心里自言自语时,清楚地意识到这一切对她实在至关紧要,幸福的日子从此一去不复返——她便用双手捂住眼睛,擦掉她那夺眶而出的泪水.她怎会想到自己居然落到了这样的下场啊.
克莱德从肖特那儿回来后就去看她的那个晚上,他那扬扬自得的神态,仿佛建立了殊勋似的.她倾听了他解释以后只是说:"你究竟弄清楚是在哪里呀,克莱德?是不是坐上了汽车就到?还是要再走一长段路?"他便说明该地离格洛弗斯维尔不远,其实还是在近郊,公共汽车站离那医生寓所才不过四分之一英里.她接着又说:"他晚上是不是都在家?还是我们非得大白天去不可?我们要是能晚上去,那敢情好.也许就不会有被人看到的危险."克莱德安慰她,说从肖特那里获悉,医生晚上常在家的.她就继续问道:"可你知不知道他是上了年纪,还是年纪轻轻的?要是他上了年纪,那我就会觉得更自然些,更靠得住.年纪轻轻的医生,我可不喜欢.我们家里常常找一位老医生,跟这种老医生说说话,我觉得一点儿拘束都没有."
这件事克莱德原来并不知道,所以当时也没有想到要问问肖特,不过,为了安慰她,便说此人是个中年人——好在这的确也跟事实不谋而合.
转天傍黑时分,他们俩就动身去方达了,不过照例是各归各走的.到了方达后,还得换车.车子开到了医生寓所附近地区,他们便下了车,沿着一条路往前走去.虽然时值冬季,天气稳定,路上还覆盖着一块块干毯似的残雪.他们走在路上,简直可以说快步似飞,因为现在他们之间再也不象过去那样如胶似漆,慢慢悠悠地溜达了.不久前罗伯达心里老在想:要是他们一块来到象眼前这样寂静无声的地方(当然不是这一回),他一定会很喜欢,放慢步伐,用手搂住她的腰肢,乐乐呵呵地东拉西扯,比方说,那天夜晚怎么啦,厂里的工作啦,利格特先生啦,他自己的伯父啦,最近的新电影啦,以及可能的话,他们打算要去哪个地方啦,他们俩喜欢一块干些什么啦,如此等等.可现在呢……尤其是在眼前,也许就是末一回,她特别需要得到他的全部忠诚与支持啊!不过,她看得出,此刻他最最惶恐不安的却是:就这样她一个人去,会不会吓坏了,"临阵脱逃",以及到时候她能不能想到什么时候该说什么话,说服医生帮助她,而且只收极少一点费用.
"哦,伯特,觉得怎么样?没有什么吧?不会觉得胆怯,是吧?啊,但愿如此,因为这是个好机会,一下子把这件事彻底解决啦.而且,这一回你去找的那个人,并不是从来都没有干过这类事的,明白了吧,过去这人干过.这一点我是知道得一清二楚的.现在你只要说,哦,明白了吧,说你碰到了麻烦,明白了吧,再说要是他不来帮你忙,你真不知道该怎样才能渡过这个难关,因为你在这儿,连一个可去投奔的朋友也都没有.再说,事实上,即使你想去投靠他们,也没法去呢.人家一下子会声张出去的,明白了吧.要是此人向你问到我在哪儿,我是何许人也,那你便说我是这儿的一个年轻人——不过我已经跑掉了——随便你说上一个某某名字得了,不过一定得说我已经跑掉了,你也不知道我上哪儿去了——是偷偷地跑掉了,明白了吧.还有,你最好说一说,原来你不会来找他的,但因为你听说他曾经帮助过某某姑娘——这是那个姑娘本人告诉你的,明白了吧.只不过你千万别说你薪水很多,我意思是说——因为,你要是这么一说,那他开出的价钱,我就出不起了,明白了吧.最好求他宽放我们几个月,分期拨还,或是采取其他类似的办法,明白了吧."
克莱德心里想,现在既然已把她领到这里,不禁万分紧张,非得拚命给罗伯达鼓劲打气,才能胜利完成既定任务.其实,他一点儿都不了解,不管对罗伯达的困境或是医生的心态脾性来说,他说给她听的各种各样忠告和一些馊主意,该是多么不起作用和不痛不痒.而罗伯达呢,她心里却在想:他只是站在一边出出点子,这有多轻巧,可她还得一个劲儿往前走,独自一人去完成任务.说真的,他想得更多的,还是他自己,而根本不是她——只是想怎样少花钱,不给他添麻烦,让她摆脱困境就算了.
但不管怎么说,即便在此时此地,她的心还是被他——他那白净的脸、纤巧的手,以及紧张的神态——紧紧地吸引住了.尽管她知道他硬是逼着她去做他自己没有胆量和能耐去做的事,可她还是一点儿也不生气.她只是对自己说,不管他点拨她应该如何如何,她是不会听他的——不会太多地听他的.她压根儿不想说自己被人抛弃了,因为这对她自己来说,简直太难听、太难为情了.她将要说的是:她是已婚妇女,她跟年轻的丈夫还太穷,暂时养不起孩子——她回想起来,这么个说法,跟克莱德向谢内克塔迪杂货铺掌柜胡编出来的恰好合辙.说穿了,他哪儿会知道此时此刻她心里有多难过?他还不肯跟她一块去,让她心里好受些.
可是,出于很想依赖对方给予支持这种纯属女性的本能,她把身子侧向克莱德,抓住他的两只手,一声不响地伫立在那里,心里恨不得他搂住她,抚摸她,对她说一切都会好转,用不着害怕.尽管他再也不疼爱她,但在她情不自禁表示她一如既往对他信任的时候,他也就伸出自己的两只手,把她搂住,多半是给她鼓鼓气罢了.他说:"哦,勇敢些,伯特.哦,你这么个样子可要不得,这你也明白.现在我们既然人都来了,怎么你自己就没了勇气,是吧?只要一到了那儿——就什么都不用害怕啦.你尽管放心好了.你只要上了门廊,按一按门铃,明白了吧,见到他或是别的人出来,只要说你希望跟医生单独谈话,明白了吧.那他一下子就知道这是个人私事,接下来的事情就更容易了."
类似这样的劝告,他还念叨了一些.她一看到他眼前对她那么缺乏热情的神态,便知道自己已经处于绝望境地,不由得鼓足劲儿说:"那末,就在这儿等,好吧?别走远了,好吧?也许我马上就回来的."说完,她就在幽暗中匆匆进了大门,沿着通往前门的小路走过去.
她按了一下门铃,出来开门的就是医生本人,一位不论从外貌或从脾性来看都很端庄审慎的小镇医生.跟克莱德和肖特的推想截然相反,此人是一个典型的、十分保守的乡村医生——严肃、谨慎、恪守道德,甚至虔信教规,尽管此人认为自己的见解相当开明,但在更为开明的人眼里却是非常狭隘、顽固.但因为他周围的人都是那么愚蠢、无知,所以他便自以为少说也是相当有学问了.他经常接触到各色人等,既有愚昧无知、放荡不羁,也有严肃、能干、保守、发迹的等一类人,因此,凡是遇到现实好象要推翻他原先的见解时,他宁可让它悬而不决,保留据说好人进天堂、坏人下地狱的观点,作为判断现实的准绳.从外貌来看,他长得矮小壮实,脑袋圆圆的,五官也很端正,还有一双滴溜溜转的灰眼睛,讨人喜欢的嘴巴和微笑.他那一头铁灰色短发,总有一小绺覆盖在额角上——乡巴佬学时髦的样子.他的胳臂和手,特别是他的手,胖乎乎,但是很敏感,有气无力地垂在两侧.今年他五十八岁,已婚,而且有三个孩子,其中有一个是儿子,已在学医,为的是日后继承父业.
先让罗伯达进入一间乱七八糟、极其普通的候诊室,请她稍候片刻,好让他吃完晚饭.不一会儿,他走到一个小房间门口.这也是一间很普通的内室,亦即他的诊疗室,里头摆着他的办公桌、两把椅子、一些医疗器械和书籍.好象前厅还置放其他一些医药用具.他摆摆手,让她坐在一把椅子上.罗伯达一看到他满头白发,身子壮实,神态冷淡,还有他老是不断眨眼的怪相,不由得吓了一大跳,虽然决没有留下象她预料的那么不好的印象.至少他上了年纪,态度也许真的说不上很热情,或是富于同情心,虽然此人守残抱缺,但好象颇有才智.他先是怪好奇地看了她一会儿,好象要想认一认来人是不是附近乡里的人.随后,他开口问:"哦,请问贵姓?有什么事我能帮助你吗?"他说话时声音挺低沉,让人听了也很宽慰——罗伯达对此深为感激.
可是,她一想到现在终于来到了此地,就得把自己的丑事如实相告,心里很害怕.她只是呆坐在那里,两眼先是瞅着他,然后俯视地板,手指开始摆弄她随身带着的那只小提包."知道吧,嗯,"她急切而又慌张,开口说话了,脸上突然露出她内心深处的极度痛苦."我来……我来这儿……就是说……我不知道我自己的事对您能不能说得清清楚楚.没进来以前,我以为自己能对您说清楚的,可是,现在一到了这儿,见到了您……"她顿了一会儿,往椅子后背挪了一挪,好象要站立起来似的.猛地她又接下去说:"哦,天哪,这一切多可怕啊.
我心里多慌,而且……"
"得了,听我说,亲爱的,"他说话时显得很温和,使她心中得到不少宽慰.她那动人而又端庄的模样儿,给他很深印象.这时,他又在暗自纳闷,到底是什么事,让这么一个纯洁、质朴、娴静的姑娘心里如此发慌,因此,对她所说的"现在见到了您"这句话,觉得很耐人寻味——"'现在见到了我',"他模仿她的腔调又说了一遍,"害得你那么骇怕呀?我只不过是一个乡村医生,明白了吧.说真的,我可希望我千万不要象你想象中那么可怕.尽管放心好了,不管什么事,只要你乐意,全都可以跟我说——有关你自己的所有事情——你一点儿也用不着害怕.要是什么地方要我帮忙,我一定办到."
罗伯达心里想,此人实在很和蔼,但又是那么严肃、审慎,也许还很保守.她要是向他一说出了自己心里话,也许会把他吓了一跳——那怎么办呢?他还会帮她一点忙吗?要是他乐意的话,她又该怎么寻摸钱去呢?当然罗,这是个很大问题.要是由克莱德或是别的什么人在这儿代她讲出来,该有多好.可现在她既然来到了这儿,那就非说不可了.她不能不说出来就走呀.她又一次挪动身子,忐忑不安地抓住自己外套上一颗大扣子,在大拇指和食指之间来回拨动,激动得声音嘶哑地说下去:
"不过,这……这……哦,可不一样,知道了吧.也许跟您所想的可不一样……我……我……哦……"
她又顿住了,没法再说下去,她说话时脸色一阵白、一阵红.由于她神态羞涩不安,两眼明亮,前额白净,举止和服饰都很端庄,医生一时以为:至多只是她对有关人体诸问题——这对一些涉世不深的年轻人来说,有时是在所难免——愚昧无知,或是缺乏经验罢了.因此,一开头,他很想把处理这类事的老套套再次搬弄一下,说不管碰上什么事,有什么就跟他讲什么,用不着犹豫害怕.可是,他一看见罗伯达是这么活泼可爱,也许是她心潮如涌,使他脑神经中枢受到了感应,于是,他转念一想,很可能自己想错了.说到底,也许这又是年轻人里头常有那类麻烦事,不外乎是不道德、不合法的行为吧.她这么年轻、健美、迷人,何况这类事已是屡见不鲜——有时出了事的,偏偏就是那些模样儿好象挺端庄的姑娘们.医生们见到她们,照例感到又头痛、又为难.由于种种原因——一是他自己秉性喜好隐逸,二是囿于当地上流社会所持的观点看法,他不喜欢跟这类事打交道,甚至连沾一点边都得再三踌躇.这类事是违法的,危险性极大,照例赚不到多少钱,甚至连一个子儿也没有.而且,他也知道,地方舆论都是反对这类事的.再说,他本人对这一帮子年轻的无赖男女多少也有点儿生气,因为他们一开头就极其轻率地运用自己与生俱有的生理机能,随后又同样极其轻率地拒不承担由此引起的自己应负的社会责任,他们既不愿以后结婚,也不想要孩子.因此,过去十年里,虽说有过好几回,考虑到家庭、邻居,或是教规等原因,曾经帮助过好几个误入歧途、走投无路的好人家的姑娘,免受自己愚蠢行为带来的痛苦,然而,要是没有别人坚强有力的支持,对任何堕落等秽行,他还是不愿以自己的态度或技术来提供帮助的.毕竟这太危险了.通常他总劝他们马上无条件地结婚;要是办不到(因为那个伤风败俗的犯罪者逃跑了)的话,那他还是按照自以为天经地义的规矩,压根儿不沾手.参与这类事情对于一个医生来说太危险了,因为从道德、社会观点来说这不仅是邪恶,而且还是犯罪行为.
因此,他这会儿极端镇静地望着罗伯达,自己心里在想,无论如何不能感情冲动,否则就是自寻烦恼.所以,为了有助于他自己和她心情都能保持镇静,以便他们两人结束谈话时不致引起太多的麻烦,他便把他那黑皮病历卡拿过来,打开后说:"哦,现在就让我们瞧一瞧,毛病到底在哪儿?请问贵姓?"
"罗思·霍华德.霍华德太太,"罗伯达慌慌张张地回答说,她马上想起了克莱德劝她采用的那个名字.说来也怪有意思,医生听她说结过婚,连呼吸都顺畅得多了.不过,她为什么又要掉泪呢?一个年轻的已婚妇女,怎么还会羞怯、慌乱得那么厉害呢?
"那末,你丈夫的名字呢?"医生接下去问.
这个问题本来多么简单,要回答应该说也容易得很,不料,罗伯达却迟疑了好半天,才说:"吉福德."(这是她哥哥的名字)
"我想,你就住在本地吧?"
"住在方达."
"哦,你多大年纪?"
"二十二."
"你结婚多久了?"
这一问,跟眼前折磨她的问题如此紧密相连,她又迟疑了一会儿,才回答说:"让我想一想——三个月."
格伦医生顿时心中又犯疑,虽然并没有向她表示出来.她那迟疑的神色使他感到惊诧.为什么要这样迟疑不定呢?他心里又在纳闷,在他跟前的真的是一个规规矩矩的姑娘,还是他一开头的疑心现在得到了证实.于是,他便问:"哦,你有什么问题呀,霍华德太太?跟我说话,用不着迟疑不定——不管谈什么事,是什么就谈什么嘛,这么多年来,我听得多了,也习惯了.倾听人们的疾苦,就是我行医的职责所在.""嗯,"罗伯达开口说.这时,她又慌了神.一想到要她把这可怕的真相坦白出来,她嗓子眼好象哽塞了,连舌头压根儿也不听使唤了.只见她又在拨弄自己外套上那颗大扣子,两眼俯视地板."事情是这样……喏……我丈夫没有钱……我还得出去干活,帮助贴补家用,可我们俩都挣不了多少钱."(对此,连她自己都大吃一惊,她竟然会如此无耻地撒谎——她,平日里最最痛恨撒谎的人.)"所以嘛,……当然罗,……我们养不起……眼前不能马上生……哦……小孩,知道了吧.不管怎么说,不能马上生,而且……"
她突然为之语塞,呼吸几乎也突然停止了,说实话,简直没法把一整套谎话说下去.
医生听了她的话,这才真的闹明白了——原来她是一个新婚才不久的姑娘,也许现在碰到的就是她刚才扼要说了一说的那类问题——不过,现在他既不愿意扯到任何不正当的治疗方法,同时也不愿让刚刚走向生活的年轻夫妇太泄气,便不由得相当同情地直瞅着她.这类年轻人,显然不幸陷入困境,再加上尽管她囿于传统观念,可态度上还是很朴实——这一切都使医生为之动怜.这简直太惨了.眼下年轻人日子的确很难过,特别是开头难呀.毫无疑问,他们经济状况都很窘迫.几乎所有的年轻人都是这样.不过话又说回来,避孕术也好,干预正常的或由上帝安排好的生命程序也好——哦,说得再好听也该算作是棘手的、不近人情的事——他还是尽可能不沾边为好.再说,凡是年轻而又健康的人,哪怕是最穷吧,一结了婚,也该知道下一步是什么呀.他们都可以去打工嘛(至少是丈夫),这就是说,好歹也能对付过去.
医生正襟危坐在椅子里,显得非常冷静和威严的样子.他开口说:"我好象已知道你想跟我说些什么,霍华德太太.不过,我可不知道你想到过没有:你心中所想的,却是一件非常严肃、非常危险的事.不过,请问,"他突然又添加了这么一句,因为另一个闪念正从他脑际掠过:他不知道外界有没有谣传以前他给病人做过什么手术,从而有损他在本地的声誉."你是怎么会来找我的呢?"
他在发问时的那种语调,还有脸上的神态——他对这件事那么谨慎小心,只要有人怀疑他做过这类手术,他可能马上就恼火——这一切使罗伯达犹豫不决,觉得只要回答说她是听某某人说的,或是某某人打发她来的,尽管如果说是克莱德让她来的也许情况会不一样——那可能就很危险了.也许她最好不说是某某人打发她来的.不然,医生就可能恼火,认为这是污辱了他这位高尚的医生的人格.这一回,多亏天生的机智圆熟的本能给她解了围.她回答说:"我多次走过您府邸,看见过您行医的招牌,同时,我又听过好多人说您是一位好医生."
他的疑团这才涣然冰释,说:"第一,你想要做的事,正是我的良心不允许我撺掇你去做的.当然罗,我也知道你认为这是非做不可的.你跟你丈夫都还年轻,也许你们手头也很拮据,你们俩都深怕孩子给你们的生活增加很大困难.毫无疑问,肯定是这样的.不过,依我看,结婚还是一件非常神圣的事,而孩子就是一种神恩——决不是一种天罚.三个月以前,你们走向圣坛的时候,也许不是不知道可能就会碰到类似今天这样的情况.我想,所有年轻的夫妇全都是知道的."("圣坛"这个词儿,罗伯达一想起来就很伤心.要是当时果真这样,该有多好.)"我也知道,今日里好多家庭都求助于此,说起来是很令人痛心.是有一些人,他们觉得只要做一做这种手术,他们就可以甩脱掉天经地义的职责,而且一点儿也不受到良心责备,这是非常危险的,霍华德太太,不仅在法律和道德上都非常危险,而且在医德上也是非常要不得的.许多不想生孩子的女人,就是这样死去了.再说,任何一个医生,要是这样帮助人家,不管结果是坏是好——一概都得坐班房.我想这一切你也都明白.总之,不管从哪个角度看,我个人就是坚决反对做这类手术的.我认为,唯一例外只是,比方说吧,如果不马上动手术,母亲的生命就保不住了.除此以外,我是绝对反对去做的.上面这个结论,医学界人士看法,都是完全一致的.不过,就你这件事来说,我相信根本不需要这么做.依我看,你是一个身体很棒、很健康的姑娘.生孩子,对你来说不会挺难受的.至于经济拮据问题,你尽管放心,生了孩子,你跟你丈夫一定会有办法对付的,你说对吗?好象你说过你丈夫是个电工,是吧?"
"是的,"罗伯达紧张不安地回答说.听了医生一本正经地说教以后,她禁不住给吓服了.
"哦,那敢情好,"他接下去说."这一行,挣的钱可多哩.至少所有的电工工资都相当高.你不妨想一想,而且你必须好好想一想,现在你想要做的事,将有多么严重:实际上,你是想毁灭一个幼小的生命,而这个幼小的生命,如同你自己一样,也有他的生存权利……"他顿住了一会儿,让他所说的话深深地镌刻在她的心坎里."哦,得了吧,我想你们应该严肃认真地再想一想——不管是你还是你丈夫,反正你们夫妇两口子.再说,"他又很策略地找补着说,同时还带着老长辈、甚至是很动人的口吻."依我看,有了小孩固然给你们带来一些小困难,可是小孩肯定会带给你们俩更大的报偿."说到这儿,他突然怪好奇地问:"告诉我,你丈夫知不知道这件事?还是你自己想让他和你自己免受经济过分拮据之苦吗?"他以为这一问不仅抓住罗伯达的畏惧心理,而且还抓住她纯属女性、注意节俭的特点,因而这时他几乎眉开颜笑地直望着她.他认为,要是果真这样,自己很容易使她摆脱目前的心态.罗伯达也觉察到他的这个思路,觉得谎话多说一些也好,还是少说一些也好,反正既没有好处,也没有什么坏处,于是就爽爽快快地回答说:"他知道."
"哦,那末,"医生接下去说,因为刚才他猜错了,有点儿扫兴,不过,他还决心要让他们夫妇俩打消这个念头:"依我看,你们俩对这件事真的还得认真地权衡利弊一下,方可决定下一步怎么办.我知道,年轻人头一回碰上类似这样情况,往往只看到它最阴暗的一面,可事实上后来并不见得都那么坏.我记得,我太太跟我盼着头一个孩子的时候,也有这种想法.可是我们好歹也对付过来了.我相信,现在你们只要心平气和地谈一谈,就一定会有与现在完全不同的看法了.往后你也不会受到良心上的责备."话音刚落,他相当笃定地自信罗伯达刚来找他时的满怀恐惧和决心,早已被他驱散了——她是一个常见的通情达理的妻子,当然不会固执己见而是会放弃她原先那一套打算回家去.
不过,她既没有象医生所预料那样兴冲冲默认他的话,也没有站起身来告辞.她只是睁大眼睛,怪可怕地直瞅着他.不一会儿,她突然号啕大哭起来.因为在他刚才高谈阔论的影响下,一般社会公认或是沿袭旧俗对待她目前处境的看法,从来也没有象现在那么清晰地在她思想意识里复活了,而这些看法在过去正是她竭力不去思考的.要是在平常的情况下,假定说她真的正式结了婚,那她的做法当然就会跟医生刚才所规劝的一样.可是如今,她终于悟出了这么一点道理:她这个问题是压根儿——至少是这位医生——解决不了的.因此,形容此时此刻她的心态,就数恶性恐慌最恰当不过了.
蓦然间,她的手指一会儿松开,一会儿攥紧,同时又使劲儿捶自己的膝盖.她的脸也由于痛苦和恐怖而扭歪了.她大声嚷道:"可您不了解啊,医生,您可不了解呀!不管用哪一种方法,我一定得摆脱目前的困境!我非得这样不行啊.我刚才给您说的,全是假话.我并没有结过婚.我压根儿就没有丈夫.啊,您可不知道,这对我该有多么重要.我有我的家呀!我的爸呀!我的妈呀!我可没法跟您说清楚呀!可我非得摆脱不可,我非得摆脱不可!非得摆脱不可!哦,可您不明白,您可不明白呀!我非得摆脱不可!我非得摆脱不可!"她身子摇来晃去,一会儿冲前,一会儿往后,一会儿向左,一会儿向右,仿佛神志昏迷似的.
格伦医生被她突然迸发的绝望表现,不由得感到既吃惊而又动怜.但他同时发觉:一开头他的猜想是对的,罗伯达刚才所说的也都是谎话.这件事要是他不想卷进去,就得马上采取坚定、甚至无情的态度.于是,他便严肃地问:"你是说,你并没有结过婚,是吧?"
罗伯达没有回答,只是摇摇头,不停地哭泣.格伦医生终于懂得她的困境的全部含义,便站起身来,脸上露出激动不安、谨慎小心,而又同情的神色.不过,开头他并没有说什么,只是两眼直望着她在呜咽抽泣.过了一会儿,他才找补着说:"哦,哦,这可太惨了.我真替你难过."然而,他还是深怕自己沾上边,顿了一会儿,才不无疑惧地安慰她说:"你别哭呀.这可不管用呀."然后,他又顿了一会儿,心里依然还是坚决不愿沾手.不过,他倒是巴不得自己能了解一下这件事的真相,终于开口问道:"哦,那末,那个闯了祸的年轻人现在哪儿呢?是不是在这儿?"罗伯达顿时觉得太害羞、太绝望了,连话儿都说不出口,只是摇摇头表示否定的回答.
"可是他知道你倒了霉,是吧?"
"是的,"罗伯达声音微弱地回答说.
"他是愿意跟你结婚?"
"他跑掉了."
"哦,我明白了.这个小流氓!那你知不知道他上哪儿去了?"
"不知道,"罗伯达有气无力地说了谎话.
"他离开你有多久了?"
"大约一星期,"她又一次说了谎话.
"你是不知道他现在哪儿?"
"不知道."
"你不舒服有多久了?"
"已有两个多星期了,"罗伯达唏嘘啜泣地说.
"早先你来时都很准吗?"
"是的."
"哦,第一,"他说话时的语调,比刚才更加让人感到安适、欣慰——仿佛抓住了一个冠冕堂皇的借口,以便自己从只有倒霉、一无好处的这件事中解脱出来."这可能并没有象你所想象那么严重.我知道,也许你已经给吓坏了,不过,妇女经期错过一个月,也是常有的事.不管怎么说,不经过特殊检查,也就没法加以确诊.即便你是这样吧,最好还是再等上两个星期.到时候也许你会发现自己什么事都没了.这我可一点儿都不觉得奇怪的.看来你好象神经太过敏,心情太紧张.而有时正是因为心情太紧张导致了经期挪后.反正你只要听我的话,不管你想怎么办,现在你怎么也不能胡来一气.先回家去,等到你真正弄清楚了再说,在那时以前,你最好千万别采取任何措施."
"可我早已服过一些药丸子,但一点儿都不起作用,"罗伯达恳切地说.
"什么样的药丸子?"格伦医生深切关注地问.听了她说明以后,他仅仅这样指出说:"嘿,这些药丸子呀.得了吧,你要是真的有了身孕,那些药丸子恐怕对你也并不会有真正功效.不过,我还得再一次劝你等一等为好.你要是发现第二次经期又没有来,到那时再想办法也还来得及.不过,即便那样吧,我还是衷心劝告你最好打消这种念头.因为这会妨碍自然的法则,我认为是要不得的.你要是生下了孩子,好好关心他,这就要好得多了.那时,你在良心上就不会因残害了一个小生命而又感到罪孽深重了."
他说这些话时,态度很严肃,自以为言之有理.可罗伯达正面临(看来医生根本理解不了的)恐怖,就象刚才那样富于戏剧性地大声嚷道:"但我可不能这么办,医生,我跟您说,我可不能这么办呀!我可不能这么办呀!您不会明白的.哦,除非我能设法把它摆脱掉,我真不知道该怎么办才好.我可真不知道呀!我可真不知道呀!"
她摇摇头,紧攥着拳头,身子却在摇来晃去.格伦医生见她如此惊恐万状,心里也很难过,觉得这正是她自己一时胡闹,才落到今日里这么可怕的下场.可是,作为一个自由职业者来说,他对这类事的态度一向非常冷淡,因为这类事只会给他招惹麻烦.所以,他的态度还是象刚才那么坚决,找补着说:"刚才我早跟你说过——"他慢条斯理地说."霍华德小姐,如果这是你的真名字,我是坚决反对做这类手术的,正象那些年轻男女放荡不羁,最后到了他们都觉得非做这类手术不可的时候,我也是坚决反对做的.这一类事,做医生的断断乎不会过问,除非他乐意坐上十年班房.而且,依我看,这一项法令是很公正的.别以为我不了解你目前处境对你该有多么痛苦.不过,尽管放心,总有人愿意帮助象你这样的姑娘,只要你再也不想做有违道德与法律的事.因此,此刻我可以给你的最好劝告,就是:不论现在也好,还是往后任何时候也好,千万不要病急乱投医.最好回家去,找你父母把这件事如实告知他们.我敢对你说,这个办法好得多——真的好得多.决不会象你现在想象的那么难受,也不会象你过去另有打算时那么邪恶.要是真的象你所想的,那么别忘了:这是关系到一条人命的问题.一条你要残害的人命,对此我决不能给你一臂之助呀.说真的,我怎么也不会的.也许有一些医生——这种人我知道到哪儿都是有的,他们看待自己的医德,可远远不象我那么严格,但是,我可不能随波逐流,也变成他们那号人.因此,我感到很抱歉——非常抱歉.
"所以嘛,此刻我可以奉劝你的,就是:回家去找你父母,如实告知他们.现在,也许你觉得很难受,可是慢慢来,你会觉得好一些.要是他们乐意的话,不妨让他们上这儿来,跟我谈一谈.我一定想办法,使他们相信,这压根儿不是世界上最可怕的事.不过,对于你请求的那件事——我非常、非常抱歉.不管怎么说,我是不能做的.我的良心也不会答应的."
话音刚落,他同情地望着罗伯达,但眼里却流露出一种坚决的不改初衷的神色.罗伯达一见自己寄予医生的全部希望骤然破灭,也就惊呆了.这时,她终于认识到,不仅仅是克莱德提供的消息,使她找错了门,而且,不管她使出种种解数也好,还是想得到医生怜悯也好,也全都失败了.这时,她踉跄地朝门口走去,未来的恐怖又袭上她的心头.医生非常客气、非常遗憾地送别了她,随即把门关上.她一走到大街上,置身在茫茫的黑暗之中,孤苦无告地偎依在那儿一棵树干上——她整个身心力量一下子丧失殆尽.他已拒绝帮助她!他已拒绝帮助她!现在该怎么办?
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