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第31章：爱我就给我
清晨，我从睡梦中醒来，伸出双臂去拥抱崔芝——她，结果抱了一个空。夜里，我做了一场梦，梦见了我与她肩并肩地坐在草地上，手握着手，千百次地亲吻；可这幸福而无邪的梦却欺骗了我，我在床上找她不着。唉，我在半梦半睡的迷糊状态中伸出手去四处摸索，摸着摸着终于完全清醒了，两股热泪就从紧迫的心中流出，我面对着黑暗的未来，绝望地痛哭。
多不幸啊，威廉，我浑身充满了活力，却偏偏无所事事，忧心忡忡，闲得心烦，既不能什么都不干，又不能什么都干。我不再有想象力，不再有对自然界的敏感，书籍也令我生厌。一但我们失去了自主，也便失去了一切。我向你发誓，我有时甚至希望当个短工，以便清晨一觉醒来，对未来的一天有个目标，有个追求，有个希望。我常常羡慕晶爽V，看见他成天埋头在公文堆中，心里就想，要是我能象他有多好啊！有几次我已动了念头，想给你和国家领导写信，请他把公使馆的差事留给我。如你所说，他是不会拒绝我的，我也这么相信。国家领导多年来就喜欢我，总是劝我找个事情来做；有一阵子我也认真准备这么办。可是事后再一考虑，我便想起了那则马的寓言，说的是它自由自在得不耐烦了，便请人给它装好鞍子，套上僵绳，结果让人骑得累得半死。这一想，我又不知如何是好了。——好朋友，我这要求改变现状的热望，莫不就是到处追逼着我的内心的烦躁不安吧？
真的，如果我的客商的病还有希望治好的话，那就唯有他们来医治。今天是他的生日，一大早我便收到了晶爽V特派的差热送来的一个包裹，一个粉红色的蝴蝶结儿立刻跃入我的眼帘。这是我初见爱恋时她曾佩带在胸前，以后我又多次请求她送给我的那个蝴蝶结呀，她曾几次给我电话，要我好好的保管住，这是我们的机密。此外包里还有两本小书，也是我久想买的本子，以免在散步时老是不敢大声说话。瞧，他们总是不等我开口就满足了我的愿望，因为他们一直都是很了解我，知道我的为了确实是可靠，总是想方设法向我作出友爱的表示，对我来说，这些小小的礼品比那种灿烂夺目的礼物贵千百万倍，因为后者只表明赠予者的矜夸，却贬低了我们的人格。我无数次地吻住那个蝴蝶结，每吸一口气，都吸到了对那为数不多的、一去不复返的日子用来充溢我身心的幸福的回忆。威廉啊，生活就是这样而我也不抱怨，生命之花只是过眼烟云而已！多少花朵凋零了，连一点痕迹也不曾留下！能结果的何其少，果实能成熟的就更少了！不过，尽管如此，世间仍存在足够的果实；难道，我的兄长，难道我们能轻视这些已经成熟的果实，对它不闻不问，不去享受他们，任它们白白腐烂掉么？
阳光似乎刚刚萌动，光芒的枝朵在天底下静静地舒展开，我穿着黑色的西装，手里拿着一本我刚发行的诗集。我感觉到自己像一片飞扬的风，有着春天一般灿烂而青翠的美，是大地和风以及崔芝给我的，是我身体里诗一般整齐而渺茫的青春，单纯而绵延的青春。
曾多少次又呼唤着她的名字，幸福总是因为黑夜的到来而退去，我深深地知道，她或者是有家的女人，我没有得到她的权利，我也连想都不敢想。我正如本文的开头一样，有想入非给的感觉，可是她却无法告别过去，她有着太多的顾虑，我只能选择默默无闻地爱她。
因为知道很难有结果，我们爱得都很小心，因为尊重她（她是很传统的女人，不能接受一个男人爱两个女人），我从未在网络上，向她提过过份的要求，虽然我很渴望，但我却不想勉强她，那次我想看看她的真面目，我还不好意思，这就是我们最亲密无间的一次，崔芝没有给了我她的全部，但我理解她，不会怀疑她对我的感情。因为我知道她为了未来，是很努力奋斗的人，也是很有斗志的人。
暂且再见！此间的冬季很美，我常常坐在爱恋家的园子里幻想着崔芝的到来，头时又爬到她家的果树上，手执摘果用的长杆，从树上钩橙子。她就像站在树下，摘掉我钩给她的果实。
人啊人，我们内心世界的思考和独白，在狭小的空间中拥有自己无限丰富的精神世界。我感觉到是最美不过了。我在想俯瞰广阔大地的景色，呼吸着大地的气息，宽广的世界，是永远美丽与新鲜的，它也会与我们人类同在。
若想知后事如何？请阅读第【三十二】章分解
Early in the morning, I woke up from sleep, stretched out his arms to embrace Cuizhi - her, the outcome of a space. At night, I had a dream, a dream that she and I sat side by side on the grass, to proceed hand, thousands of times to kiss; can be innocent and well-being of this dream has deceived me, and I find in bed She could not. Oh, I almost lost their sense of semi-dream state Banshui to reach out to find out everywhere, finally feeling the feeling completely clear, two tears from the hearts of the urgency out, I faced a dark future, wept in despair.
Unfortunately, multi-ah, William, I feel full of vitality, has chosen to do nothing, worried, upset Xiande, not only do not do anything, can not do anything. I no longer have the imagination, no more of the sensitive nature, books are boring to me. A loss of autonomy, but we also have lost everything. I swear to you, I hope that in some cases as a casual laborer, in order to wake up early morning, one day in the future to have a goal, there was a pursuit, there is hope. I often envy crystal Shuang V, all day long to see him buried in a pile of documents, wanted to know if I could have him as well! On several occasions I have the idea that you would like to write and national leadership, the public asked him to the embassy to leave my job. As you said, he would not refuse me, I believe so. For many years the leadership of the country like me, advised me to always find things to do; For a while I seriously prepared to do so. But after a re-consideration, I thought it was Ma’s fable, saying that it is free impatient, they asked people to give it a good saddle equipment, put on stiff chairs, people riding on the outcome of a half dead tired. Like this, I do not know what to do. - A good friend, my demand is the desire to change the status quo, is everywhere around world are forcing up my irritability of the heart, right?
Really, if my business to cure the disease there is hope, then there would be only to their treatment. Today is his birthday, early in the morning I received a special crystal Shuang V of the DTA sent a parcel, a pink bow my son immediately into the eye. This is what I love, when she had shown initial signs of wear in the chest, and many times after I gave her my request that you bow, she had several phone to me, I have to keep a good living, and this is our secret. In addition there are 2 small bag, I would like to buy the book for a long time, in order not to always afraid to walk loudly. Look, they are always openings on the range and I met my wishes, because they have always been very understanding of me, I know that the order is at all reliable, always trying to make love to me that’s my point of view, these small The small gift than the kind of dazzling your gift of millions of times, since this only shows that the Guankua gift, but to belittle our character. Wen Zhu many times I have to bow to that, every breath, every breath on that one of the few, a thing of the past days when I used to overflowing of physical and mental well-being of memories. William ah, life is but I do not complain, life is to spend no more than Guoyanyanyun! How many of the flowers fade, and even that did not leave marks! How can the results of the less mature fruit can be even less! However, despite this, the world is still enough fruit; it, my brother, does that mean we can neglect those of the ripe fruit, oblivious to it, do not enjoy them, they simply rot away any you?
The sun just seems to be germinating, light sticks of flowers in the world in the Shu quietly started, I was wearing a black suit and holding a collection of poems I have just issued. I feel like a dusty wind, spring has a brilliant general and the United States and the green is earth and wind Cuizhi to me, my body is poetry in general and tidy little young, simple stretches and youth.
How many times have also calling her name, always happy because the arrival of the night and recede, I deeply know that she’s a woman or a home, I do not have the right to receive her, I do not even want to dare. As I begin this article, would have to give non-feeling, but she could not bid farewell to the past, she has too many worries, I can only choose to love her unknown.
Because it is difficult to know the outcome, we love are very discreet and respect her because (she is a very traditional woman, can not accept a man love two women), I have never on the network, she mentioned to the excessive demands Although I very much like to, but I do not want to force her, that I would like to see her true colors, I am sorry, this is the first time we close, Cui Zhi did not give me her all, but I understand She does not doubt my feelings for her. Because I know next to her is very hard struggle, is also a great fighting spirit.
Good-bye for the time being! Winter’s beautiful here, I always love sitting in the home garden fantasy Cuizhi with the arrival of the first when she climbed the fruit trees at home, Zhaiguo benefit users with the long-rod, hook oranges from the tree. She is like standing under a tree, I remove the fruits of her hook.
People ah, inner world of our thinking and monologue, in a small space in its own infinite wealth of the spiritual world. I feel that was the best of all. I would like to view a broad view of the earth, breathe in the earth’s atmosphere, wide world, is always fresh and beautiful, and it will be with us in the same human beings.
I - Luo Jun writer wrote this for the time being, the next set of Good-bye!
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